Friday, July 17, 2009


Today Tobias is 3 months old. I will post his 3 month photo in a new post as I intend for this one to just be a release.

It's been a bad few weeks and I'm having a very hard time finding balance again. If it's not actual appointments, it's anger welling up inside me. I don't know what to do, so I just pace. Thank God for Tobias. He keeps me going. I HAVE to take care of him and that's a great thing right now. God really does know what we need and when we need it. I believe with all my heart that Tobias was born 10 years later simply because I am going through the ugliest time ever as a mother.

May 21, 2009 changed our lives forever. A mere month after Tobias was born, I went to see my 14 year old son graduate from Middle School. It was the first time I'd seen him in a group setting since second or first grade. My son looked terrified. I won't ever forget how he looked or how he walked to his seat in the gym that day. Then of course when I get home and look at the graduation pictures none of them turned out...except one. In the picture that turned out a teacher was touching his shoulder as if she was encouraging him and he looked as though he'd been touched by the devil himself. This was the beginning of the rest of our lives...

On July 2, 2009 my son was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Severe Anxiety and Severe Depression, The last 3 being caused by severe bullying at school. I became aware of so many things I SHOULD of seen. I SHOULD of seen my son had stopped drinking water, as to not have to go to the bathroom at school, I SHOULD of known he was waking up in the night with panic attacks so bad he thought he was dying, I SHOULD of done so much more in the way of school. How do you though? How do you do more than go there every single day for weeks and demand action, but all you get are excuses and empty promises.

He's on new medication for anxiety/panic and depression and I think it's making it worse. At first he was up beat, silly,and now he's lethargic and just all around sad. The worst part? I can NOT do anything to take this away! As his mother I'm suppose to protect him, and I feel like I've failed. How in the world did I miss so many red flags?

Harder still is that it's been weeks since his diagnosis and I am so angry with everything thats happened to him that I honestly haven't even absorbed the fact that the "A" word has once again invaded my home, invaded my child.

Somedays I'm stronger than others and can convince myself that God believed in me enough to give me the children he did because he thought I could get the job done, today, is just not one of those days.

If you've taken the time to read all this, please say a prayer for my baby. Most adults don't go through in a lifetime what he's been through in a few years...

Hopefully soon I can scrap as that is MY therapy...

1 comment:

  1. Rest assured my friend, I am ever prayerful.
    I can't imagine how horrible this is for you. I wish we lived closer so you could vent to me in person.



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